Jan19

First post of 2012… and first in a while, hmm?

on January 19th, 2012 at 8:56 am
Posted In: Health, Music, New Year, Relationships

I wish I could say there was a lot to report, but there isn’t.  I’m now fully recovered from last year’s surgery.. just some pretty ugly scars to show for my time, and the nerve damage.  From what I’ve read online, and what my Doctor said as well, it could be anywhere from now -> 2 years -> never for the nerve damage to be resolved.  I’m really hoping that ‘never’ is not behind any of the doors I’ve chosen.  There’s a crazy pain that shoots through my lower left leg, it stops me dead in my tracks — doesn’t matter what I’m doing — all there is is that pain. I’d like for that to go away too, please.  So yeah.. fully recovered.

Spending a lot of my free time on Turntable.  Anyone who knows me well knows that music is a huge part of my life, and what keeps me marginally sane.  This site allows me not only to listen to music that I love (music I’ve chosen to listen to) but also exposes me to other people’s favorites — and I’ve met some really great people in the process.

I’ve tasked myself with making a lot of changes this year — might as well let the intarwebs know about them. Maybe it’ll help me actually keep up with them:

  • Read a book every week.
  • Do a load of dishes and/or a load of laundry every day until there’s none (baskets) left.
  • Walk more.
  • Cook more.
  • Allow myself to fall into like, if not love, this year.

Yeah, that last one is going to be the really hard one, I’m realizing.  I’m fairly emotionally closed off to men.  A lot of that comes from just being completely out of practice — I went on one date last year. One. And it was a nightmare.  Well, ok.. it wasn’t a nightmare but it was laughably one of the least pleasant dates I’d ever been on.  The rest of my closed-offedness comes from how much easier and.. well.. nicer.. it is to not be hurt.   But this year, I’m ripping that bandaid off, and I’m going to go on MORE THAN ONE date. I know.. catch your breath.

 

5 Comments
Nov01

Looks like we [I] made it!

on November 1st, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Posted In: Health

Thanks, Barry, for that song.. otherwise I’d have had to come up with a title all on my own, and I’m not down for that.

OK, so here’s what happened in a very small nutshell — meaning, I’m not going to go into gory details, because I specifically asked not to KNOW any of the gory details.  Emotionally and mentally, I was more than a bit of a wreck when I came out of this surgery, and the least little thing spun me into an anxiety attack.

Annnyway.  My mom and I arrived at the hospital right around 5:30 am on Friday morning. I knew I was going to be going into the operating room at 7:30, or thereabouts.  I was feeling nervous, but not anxious or panicky.  Mom came into the “getting ready” room with me, where I started to get stuff hooked up to me and whatnot.  Then the magic hour arrived, and they had to wheel me in the gurney to the Holding Room. This is where I started to freak out. Not “strap the girl down!” freak out.. but I could feel the tears coming and I wasn’t able to stop them.  The holding room had a lot of people in it, lots of bays with lots of other patients. Doctors and nurses began to hook IVs into me, gave me a sedative because they saw the tears and the panicky Rachel face.  And then someone put a mask over my face and said, “You’re not claustrophobic, are you?” I breathed in, and don’t remember anything else until I opened my eyes around 5:30 am. Saturday morning. Yes, that’s right.. nearly 24 hours later.

I woke up with a tube down my throat, and panic in my heart. I had to quickly figure out how to be calm, how to breath through my nose, all at once. My arms were restrained, and this is because (according to my mom) when they finally let her see me at 10:30 pm (she hadn’t seen me since 7:30 am that morning), I had the tube in, and I was freaking out, and they had to restrain me. She said they asked me questions, and I was responding.. I have no memory of any of this. The next hours involved me just trying to breath through the panic attacks, and being moved around a lot in the bed in CCU.  When my mom was finally allowed to come and visit, it was 8:30 am, and I can’t even express how grateful I was to see her. What a welcome sight she was. I remember crying a lot.

After that, the breathing treatments, constant blood pressure checks, all the stuff that goes into making  sure I don’t die of pneumonia or a blood clot after having been intubated and unconscious and unmoving for hours upon hours.  The sooner I started improving, the sooner I could get sent to my own room, and out of the CCU, and just that much closer to getting home.  Walking was.. very very difficult. I couldn’t feel my legs, had no faith in my ability to control them.. and being a large woman, made life for the nurses, interns, passing doctors, whathaveyou.. very difficult when moving me from bed to chair, and then chair to bed that was taking me to my own room.  The CCU nurse Beth was great.. very stern, but encouraging. She knew I could do what I was sure I couldn’t.  A lot of it was just telling myself that I could stand, I could be upright, and the world would not end.  It was just difficult getting myself to the point where I really began to believe that.

The next 24 hours were mainly me standing and sitting, walking with the help of a wheelchair in front of me. And being in bed. Everything was (and mostly still is) sore.  What I’d lost was one tumor, 2 ovaries, and 1 uterus. What I’d gained was approximately (I haven’t had the courage yet to really count them) 9-11 laproscopic inciscion points, stapled shut and covered with nothing more than giant bandaids. And one really big incision from where they had to get my uterus out (apparently it was twice as large as what they thought it was).  And nerve damage in my legs.  And blisters all over my shoulders. And bruises all over my right arm. And all of this made up for a very whiney me.

After I proved I could walk mostly on my own, and that my lungs were good, and my oxygen was all in my blood where it was supposed to be, then I could go home. Which I did on Sunday afternoon.  This week is going to be a lot more walking, getting myself ready for going back to work.  Maybe I’ll write more about the experience in greater detail. I know I glossed over a lot of stuff, but.. my arms are killing me, so no more writing.

So, that’s what I did this weekend. How was YOUR weekend?

3 Comments
Oct24

“Mark Reads”[ing] is Fundamental

on October 24th, 2011 at 8:24 am
Posted In: Blogs

New blog found, thanks to Neil Gaiman’s Journal latest journal entry regarding All Hallows Read.  The journal entry itself was great — I love the idea of giving scary books for Halloween, but it was the first commenter that really made my day.

She encouraged Neil to go to Mark Reads, a blog by this chap named Mark who originally seems to have set out to create a review-blog for a chapter-by-chapter skewering of Twilight.  What it became though, is much more interesting to me.  He still does the chapter-by-chapter reviews, but the books he’s reading now are ones that he is actually enjoying, and his reviews have the ability to be both poignant and hilarious.  I’ve tossed him into my Blogroll, and I can tell he’s going to be a steady fixture in my daily catching-up-online reading.

The next book he’s reviewing is The Hobbit, and I’ll be re-reading it along with him. Can’t wait!

1 Comment
Oct19

Sleepy tired, and the Congressional Reform Act of [insert current ranter's year]

on October 19th, 2011 at 8:01 am
Posted In: Health, Politics, rant, Work

I can’t help but to wish there was a WordPress plugin that would hold a gun to my head and force me to post things.

There isn’t. I checked.

This morning it was difficult enough for me to just get out of bed and get the day started. Marveled at just how awesome it would be to work from home (don’t rain on my wishing parade by dousing me with the realities of the work-from-home ethic, and how self-motivated you have to be to make it work, and how isolating it is. I SAID DON’T!). It’s raining, which raises the difficulty of leaving one’s comfortable bed by +10.  Just for s.a.g., I rolled a d20 with a +10 difficulty. Got an 18. No idea what that means. Maybe I should just go to the Amber diceless system.

Getting back into the swing of the work-thing. Of course, I’ll be here for one and a half weeks — then have to go back out on medical leave on the 27th.  Surgery is on the 28th. Recovery will be.. whatever it will be.

Lastly, I’ve been seeing this circulate the ‘visio libri’:

via Roger Denson of Facebook

This site, http://www.factcheck.org/2011/03/congressional-reform-act/ punches a few lovely holes through this anonymous rant.  There’s plenty to be mad about with Congress, the Senate, and the White House. Best not to muddy the waters.

 Comment 
Oct16

F**k Society.

on October 16th, 2011 at 11:12 am
Posted In: Health, rant

Two things today, one an updatey thing, and one a ranty thing. First, the rant.

Yesterday, I posted a picture on Facebook that I thought was both slightly amusing and apt, and I’ll post it again, here:

Fuck Society

Let me first say that I love women, and that I don’t believe real women have curves, because ALL women are real women. That being said, this photo isn’t (in my opinion) meant to rail against thin women and call them ugly. After all, it’s not called “Fuck skinny bitches.” It’s “Fuck society.” Society, as a whole, makes women like me feel, daily, that we are less-than. Ugly. Worthless. I could go on.

My thin friends: this photo is not an attack on you.  I’m sorry it makes you feel judged, imperfect, and perhaps unattractive.  But guess what? That’s exactly how society, as manipulated by the corporate arm of the health and beauty industry wants you to feel — it’s how they attempt to make women any size larger than you feel at all times.

Anyway, on to updatey stuff.

My surgery on Friday was cancelled. Postponed. Whatever. Timingus Imperfectus. ParkWest Hospital only has one robotic surgery room.. and the surgeon who had the room  before me was taking up all of his time, and all of my time as well.  We couldn’t very well kick that patient out so I could have my surgery .. so it will happen either on this coming Tuesday, or Friday.  As my mother has left to go back to Phoenix, the kids are leaving today to go back to Rogersville. And my best friend has to go back to New York  before Friday.  This all means that I’ll have no real support system to help me deal with the after effects of the surgery, should it have to happen on Friday.  I’ll be doing my best to impress upon my doctor that it HAS to happen on Tuesday.. so, good luck to me, eh?

3 Comments